Jokes on bis: Ideas for scenarios, short synopses, cinema

Short synopses of the scenarios

Comedies

There is an original scenario of 450 pages size A4 . It will make a perfect full-length screening.
If somebody is interested, contact me via phone number +7 (937) 373-6677 Russia.I will give it away on the terms of my participation in creating and directing the movie.

Dedicated to the apologists struggling with piracy... And to the others.

Because of the economic crisis one guy, let's call him Vasia, was fired from his job. He decided to start a small business. He heard on TV about the "support to small businesses" program from the Russian Minister of Finances. He went to the department to get a credit. Upon getting the maximum amount of 60000 roubles, which is given for development, Vasia started thinking.
He couldn't find any ideas which could cost the same amount of money he got and our character decided to spend it on drinking with his friend from childhood.
His friends name was Fedia. He is an ex-businessman, now dealing with stocks. He went bankrupt due to the economic crisis and his wife, a model, abandoned him taking all the stash-money. Fedia couldn't find the way out and began drinking.
After making a phone call to his friend asking if he was at home and free at the moment, Vasia bought a lot of vodka and food and came to his house. Fedia consumed a lot of alcohol and, having different views, started scolding the government:
- B-ches, what kind of business a man can have on 1000 euro, one cannot buy even the excrements on this money!
At that moment an idea occured to Vasia.
Supposing that pop stars wouldn't take money for their own excrements, he decided to sell the excrements of celebrities.
Having some computer skills Vasilii, our smart businessman, created a website of Internet-store where he placed the pricelist of "Celebrity faeces"
Upon getting the first requests, he started with selling his own faeces until one of the clients made the analysis of the bought sample.
This client was a well-known journalist Petia, who was also fired from the newspaper because of the crisis. Petia was planning to get bad results of the analysis and to write after that a sensational article about the disease of the celebrity, and to return his job back.
Petia found out that all the samples belong to one and the same person, he came to Vasilii and demanded his money with comission. Otherwise he would make this fraud reach the public. Our character understood that he would not be able to stand one more complaint. He didn't want to sell his friends' excrements either. He thought that if a celebrity heard about his plot and compared his own faeces with ones that Vasilii was selling, he would make him bankrupt or even put him to prison.
Nothing could come to his mind and Vasia made up his mind to become a part of the Moscow fashionable circles. Communication with pop stars would, supposingly, give him a chance to get real Celebrity excrements.
Upon getting a job as a waiter in one fashionable club he started to carry a plastic bag and the gloves in his pocket. He might get lucky! At the times when there were pop stars in the club, Vasia used to brake toilet bowls and to lock toilet boothes. And finally he got it. One famous and dead drunk singer, let's say Vania, couldn't find a free booth and was happy to use the plastic bag offered by the waiter...
From that time Vasia's life became worse. Vania got to know that someone is selling his sh-t in the Internet. Thinking that it was a fraud he decided to make a fortune and filed a report in the police station. Having bought some of the faeces, policemen arrested Vasia. They couldn't charge him with fraud because the excrements really belonged to Ivan. Then Vania reported about violation of the author's rights and realization of his talents' creations without his agreement.

It's not difficult to imagine Vasia's following life adventures. If faeces are not acceptable then we can change them for cut hair

2008

A script for comedy “Purchase”

For a very long time many writers have been trying to explore the topic of Devil purchasing human souls. Take, for example, “Faust” by Goethe. But I’ve never heard of any books which would describe Devil’s mass purchase of people’s faith.
While thinking over such important things and developing the plot, I turned everything into a comedy, which usually happens to me during scriptwriting.
Here is the synopsis:

The Earth. Present day:

Devil decided to compete against God once again. His idea was to buy everybody’s faith in God to deprive Him of power and ensure Devil’s own advantage.
He started with Muslims whose faith doesn’t condemn greed as much as Christianity and also preaches prosperity.
And intending to save money he sent his evil slaves to earth to buy every renunciation of faith in Allah for a thousand dollars. Devil’s servants spent a lot of time buying Muslim’s faith, until there was nobody else left who would want to sell their faith so cheaply. Then Devil decided to raise the price of Muslim faith to ten thousand dollars. Fallen angels were back to earth, buying the rest of Mohamed followers’ faith, with the exception of governors, politicians, rich businessmen and a small crowd of true believers who didn’t sell themselves.
The amount of US dollars thrown into these deals was so enormous that the economy of the USA collapsed and plunged into chaos. Without even realizing it the Muslims took revenge on America for all the troubles that it had caused to Muslims throughout the world.

After achieving his goal with Muslims, he got his hands on Christians. Evil helpers spread all over the world again, intending to buy faith in exchange for money. Because the US dollars were gone into oblivion, Devil decided to buy souls for Euros.
As with dollars, first they bought faith of the poor at one thousand Euros per soul. When there were no more of the poor left, he raised the price to ten thousand Euros and bought almost all Christians. As with Muslims, he could not buy true believers and some rich men.
Same destiny as with the US dollars: Euro was destroyed, and European Union’s economy crashed.

Due to lack of demand of rubles, Devil didn’t even consider using it in his deals. He bought the rest of the world’s renegades for Japanese yens and Chinese yuans. Abundance of Asian currency collapsed its economies too. Buddhists were especially eager to sell God for money.

The world is drowning in chaos; without faith there is no order; wars are in full swing. Only in Russia it is more or less peaceful because the ruble got stronger. Another factor that helped maintain peace was several hundreds of faithful people who due to their secluded lifestyle did not need currency and remained pure.
This is how our country became one of the world’s leaders.
Russia took in all the faithful people who didn’t sell themselves and got much stronger.

This fairy tale is more believable than a saving mission of Rus that our government is currently executing.

April 2014

The idea for the script of a comedy-style tale "One cannot get lucky untill misfortune comes"

This script was born due to the fires in Moscow caused by an abnormal heat and frequent flights of the fire helicopters to the ponds to provide water for putting up the fire.
One man, let's call him Kolya, because of being very lazy decided to have a job of a fire-fighter after he was discharged from the army.
He worked there for some years (usually sleeping at work). He got married and even became a father. Everything would be alright if it was not for a peevish spouse who didn't look bad and still wanted to live the life fully. But the money, that Kolya used to earn, was not enough for it. Every time the fire would take place in rich apartments and offices, Kolya, unluckily, had a day off, a sick leave or a vacation. But, eventually, he got lucky. In the middle of summer in 2010 his fire-fighting team was called to put up the fire in Izmaylovskii forest park. The forest area was on fire.
Kolya was standing near the edge of the flame and was watering the front part of it. The helicopter, one more time bringing the water from the nearest pond, dropped it very close to the edge of the burning spot. Nickolai was not far from the drop and the water cloud slightly touched him. He did not notice that a golden fish fell into his thrown back protecting hood. He could not understand for a long time who was wispering into his ear with a human voice. And only when he walked away from the lane of fire for a quick smoke, he finally heard the words asking for help and took off the jacket.
Fortunately for the fish the hood was water-resistant, so the water that was inside of it saved it's life. And later on, all the events happen the same way as they do in other tales of this type: the fish made the dreams of Kolya and his wife come true untill they got too much.
What did they ask for and how they offended the fish is not of importance. The idea is How did the fire-fighter catch the golden fish at work?

July 2010

The script for a fantastic comedy "Gene Pool"

Russia, present days.

Due to an overall corruption, monopoly in everything and protectionism, the country was left without patriotically-thinking politicians. Everyone who had an access to the power forgot about the promises given to the voters and kept on stealing something. So, the country gradually goes down, the population dies, the industry is reduced, there is only a little per cent of GDP (Gross Domestic Product) left because there is still some natural gas and petroleum.
After having survived a second heart attack, one oligarch, named Eugene, sees a dream in which God promises him to forgive all his sins if Eugene spends half of his money to improve the genetic situation that was destroyed after the fall of USSR.
Discharged from the hospital, he drew all his smartest managers together and gave them a task - to bring to the country a lot of clever people. The oligarch provided 8 million dollars for this project and hoped to find and make thousands of smart people the citizens of Russia.
After long-lasting interviews with various inventors, scientists and engineers throughout the world, it became clear that the number of people he needed could not reach even a hundred. And if he took the famous ones, the amount would be much less. Turned out that clever people in developed countries cannot be poor by definition. That is why Russia is behind - things can be different there...
Eugene started to think. Being a talented businessman, he always strived to spend less but to get a maximal result. He asked his system administators to place in the Internet an announcement of a competition which could solve the problem and the winner would obtain a position in his enterprise.
Soon enough Eugene received a letter from an "average" person offering to concieve children with geniuses and bring them up in families of our engineers, scientists, inventors.
The mothers for such children should be well educated women born and raised in troubled families. If a mother does not agree to give her baby away, she would be provided with a great job and, more over, an excellent husband. For that purpose a dating website should be made, with a supporting magazine and a TV show.
And it is very easy in Russia like nowhere in the world to find attractive and experienced women to sleep with the geniuses, and their services are much cheaper.
Some foster families, rich and with patriotic intentions, would be adopting babies themselves. To make others agree it would be necessary to create well-paid jobs, promotions, projects' realizations.
Eugene noticed plenty of mistakes in the letter but was pretty surprised with such an original idea and made an appointment with the man.
The security service of the building checked the innovator from head to toe and concluded that he was not dangerous. It was a young man called Nickolai, pleasant to talk to and quite erudite.
Eugene was convinced that Nickolai had a talent and offered him to work on this project, which the young man started to do without hesitation.
At first he founded a secret service of foreign affairs which purpose was to collect information about all famous scientists, engineers and innovators who still could perform a reproductive function. Later on, they started building a guarded cottege-type town with its own kindergarten, prepschool and school, because this miracle children couldn't interact with regular children from troubled families and study in public schools with a modern, non-soviet-type curriculum.
When the database of potential inseminators, biological mothers, foster parents was full and the construction of the town was over, different delegations were sent to all the corners of the world.

The sequence of events could be developed in different manners. But, to my mind, I gave birth to a nice idea of how to save the genes of a degrading country.

September 2010

 

Everything

The script for a fantasy-thriller "The Revolution of the Inventors".

Observing the injustice of some terrestrial regimens and a great differentiation of the population, the aliens give the earthmen new technologies which bring to naught the value of the sources of the terrestrial elite's wealth.
To make censorship less effective and the communication between people more liberated, the extraterrestrial mind provided us with the mobile connection and the Internet.

To deprive of power the totalitarian regimens of the countries, which economics fully depend on the prices on the hydrocarbon sources of energy, with the help of one inventor, let's call him Vova, the aliens gave us a cheap technology of extracting hydrogen from water.
This electrolysis technology is well-known on Earth, but due to the low speed of the chemical process it is ineffective.

Vladimir had been trying to realize the ideas born in his mind quite often for a long time, and usually without any success; because of the corrupted and sloppy officials he could not do it until one day he saw D.I.Mendeleev in his dream.
Dmitrii Ivanovich told Volodia about one substance that the earth's crust has inside and outside in abundance, it is absolutely harmless and very cheap and serves as a perfect catalyst. When added to water, the catalyst intensifies the chemical reaction with electrolysis, increasing the extraction of the hydrogen.

Being a big philanthropist and understanding the importance of his discovery, Vova published it in the Internet to make the whole world know about it.
Vova stayed alive only because the name of the catalyst became known to everybody in the world.

The special agencies of the country with totalitarian regimen, where Vova resided, were late, or, to be exact, overlooked the publication of the invention. The wealth of the elite of the place where Vladimir lived was based on the enormous reserves of gas and oil which were sold by governors to other countries, so they were robbing its own hungry population which was hardly getting any profit out of such sales.

But the actions of Volodia did not remain unnoticed to the guards of state secrets and they started to keep him under surveillance.

After the next discovery, which essence was to deprive the governors of the opportunity to manipulate the votes of people and distort the real results (this system is used everywhere nowadays), Vladimir was arrested.

To scare him out of proceeding with the discoveries people from special agencies were torturing him with the current. One of them added so much voltage that Vladimir's heart couldn't take it any more.
But he had a little strength to appeal to our creator - the extraterrestrial powerful mind. In his prayer, dying, he asked God to save his inventions, especially the last one.

Almighty God heard him, transferred the soul of the guy via cords into the Internet, where he lives till today, uniting the scientists and innovators in their searches and helping them achieve the goals.

With his help this world obtained the technologies of blocking the movements of anything inorganic, and weapons, tanks, rockets became useless. The harmful viruses and bacteria were also defeated by universal vaccines, making the body immune to cholera and plague.

Our creators, aliens or just Gods, which helped monkeys become smart and turn themselves into human beings, gave us the technology of speeding up the growth of agricultural crops, feeding this way all the hungry people, and restored the woods - the lungs.

The governments lost their powers of manipulation and people became free and united.

January 2011

The idea for the scenario of a fantasy called "Tungus meteorite"

Collecting all data into one picture I imagined the interference of aliens. This is the basis for making a movie.
Acording to witnesses couple of days before and after the disaster the habitants noticed the second Sun in the sky above the place of the explosion, which was shining all day long and as bright as the first Sun. But the first one was rising and setting as usual. The second Sun was a spaceship, of course.
It proves that someone has approached the land in a deserted spot, informed someone about his intentions and, not having got something, demonstrated the capacity of destroying many people. The fact that the explotion happened in the inhabited place, far away from people's presence confirms that peoples' deaths were not the part of the plan of the organizators.
The absence of any remaints after the disaster proves that it was not the fall of a meteorite or any other subject but explosion. Probably somewhere in the space a confrontation happened and we, planet people, became a small change for someone.
Perhaps, some alien powers which do not appreciate the Earth (let's call them Terrorists) wanted to make other aliens, for which our planet and we are of value (we will call them Saviors), execute their requirements. The second Sun's remaining in the same spot for days before and after the catastrophe, in my opinion, prove that the ship of the Terrorists was waiting for execution of their demands. I don't know what could be of a great importance but it was obviously of a less cost than the Earth and its people.
This is the way I see the scenario as a version of what happened more than 100 years ago. A good scenario writer should only complete the idea with episodes.

2007

The idea for the scenario of a fantasy thriller called "Cement"

One young man named Fedia invented a new type of cement. Its feature is that it can harden in 1 hour under the special irradiation.
Fedor filled out the inventor's declaration in the Department of Patents. People close to the mayor of the city and controlling the Department of Patents took the declaration. They made the same invention with the older date and registered it, of course.
Fedor's declaration's registration was denied on the grounds of priority of the declaration made a week earlier before him. He began to prove his rights to have this patent. On the basis of legally certified manuscripts and publicatons in the Internet he almost managed to do so. And when he was close to winning the case, he was put to the asylum for the insane. The peole from the Department of Patents have sold the invention to the cement company which belonged to the mayor and they didn't want to return the money. The company possessed all the cement factories of central region of the country. These factories were quickly reconstructed with the new cement. The constructions were moving with the fast pace and for 2 years while Fedor was in the asylum hundreds of houses were built with the new technology.
After Fedor came out of the asylum, he couldn't put up with this injustice which happened to him. When he registered the patent he didn't point out the fact that if the new technology construction material is influenced by another special irradiation, the coupling feature of the material disappears and it destroys itself.
Fedor changed his ID, made a plastic surgery, prepared a destructive generator of special irradiation. For its demonstration he destroyed the newly built building which was not populated yet. Fedor registered a firm offshore on the account of which the mayor was offered to transfer 1 milliard dollars (just 10% of his funds).
The last, of course, informed about it all services and arranged a chase.
Separatists of Chechnya who had their "people" in special services were also interested in Fedor's generator because the explosives, which should be delivered quite close to the subject of the attack, are not necessary any more to destroy the house.
So now Fedia is in a trap and is hiding from both parties...

2009

The idea for the script of a fantasy "The Contact"

A few fantasy movies and books are logically consequencial in the idea of a long journey of a man to other worlds. The problem is clear: one has to travel through thousands of years and not to die of age.
The method of freezing in the creocamera is not new anymore, along with that a man gets old in a dream too, which makes the whole idea illogical.
To imagine a life of a ship as a community is impossible as well - where could one get food for so many people and for thousands of years, even if a childbirth rate would be under strict control? In this case only one logic possibility of a longlasting flight exists, it is original at the same time.
A robot, an automatic machine, any way you want to name it, 20 years before a spaceship reaches the object of the contact - a planet or an artificial ship - in a special device there should be performed an artificial conception of a future team. The bank of sperms, stem cells or any other samples of a man's DNA located on the ship will provide the genes. Well, I am not a specialist in artificial fertilization. Nowadays there is a method of an extra-uterine fecundation, so, so far everything is logical. The embryos develope in the artificial womb into normal babies. When 9 month period is over, the babies get separated from the womb and start breathing on their own.
The robots feed the babies, clean after them and talk to them in a parental teaching manner. After the children become self-aware, they are taught everything necessary to perform their function.
Everybody has a basic course of studies till the age of 12-13. Later the doctors have their own curriculum, the historians and navigators - a different one. This way, by the age of 20, the time of a complete self-consciousness of a man, on the board of the ship a qualified crew is developing. While all the members are growing, they are getting immunization against earthly viruses and bacteria, ways of vaccination and so on. The consultants could give a better advise than me because I am not a bacteriologist.
The crew is taught with the help of projectors and involving 3D, as well as the models for experiencing a tactile contact. Today the robots can perform many child care and treatment operations. The crew constantly undergoes medical exams and give samples for various analyses. Based on the temperature, pressure changes, rising tone of the voice the robot-psycologist monitors the mental state of the crew and following the program stored in it, finds the right way of soothing. In the worst case the robot uses psycotropic substances. The calm state of the members is very important.
Due to living together as one community it would be quite possible to bring up healthy individuals capable of doing a man's work.
One does not need too much food, medicine, clothes in the spaceship to raise a few people in a timespan of 20 years. More over, it is foolish to fly anywhere without settling the matter with the 'receiving' side or its' distance monitoring. If there is no assurance about the crew's successful survival there after the landing, it is better to send automated stations.
I believe this idea is worth being accepted for future elaboration of plans of interplanetary expeditions.

June 2010

The idea for the scenario of an action movie called "The Weather"

The idea for the scenario consists in the confrontation between two parties which are similar to each other in their huge territories, a large scientific database and a possession of well-equiped special services.
These kinds of countries are not able to attack each other due to the excessive amounts of nuclear arms, which, if applied, could destroy the whole planet.
Both countries, having plenty of scientific institutions, were able to start managing the weather. These countries were sending snowfalls, tornados, rains and tsunamis on each other. Finally, they realized that the reason of the cataclysms was not Nature, and they sent secret agents to each other with the purpose of stealing the evidence about the contrary party's involvement in their misfortunes.
One can create a bunch of scenario situations on this theme. Everything depends on the imagination of a scenario writer.

2008

The scenario for a fantasy thriller “The Elections”

Russia, present days.

On the eve of the elections the President of Russia finds out that his ratings have dropped drastically and there is no hope to be re-elected.
All the TV channels are broadcasting him and only him every single day but everything is in vain. None of the attempts give any results. The people do not trust the television or the radio; neither do they read newspapers. To advertise himself as a brand, the President spends a great amount of the taxpayers’ money. The President has bonds in all big business companies and is being paid by the owners of huge monopolies for protecting their business;this is how the President became one of the richest people in the world. But nothing can change the attitude of the Russians towards him.
He realizes that he will not be electedand it will trigger an investigation of his crimes and a seizure of the stolen funds; he gives an order to find the ways of influencing the people and to make them take his side.
A couple days laterat the meeting he was offered a reliable way to resolve the problem of losing the voters and he was also warned that it could be harmful for health. The reply of the Constitution’s Guarantor was: “Even if one half of Russia dies, 50 million slaves will be enough for us to serve the pipe”.
The idea was to reboot the state of mind of people by infra and ultra sounds of 20-30 decibel and the frequencies close to the threshold of sensitivity, i.e. 20 and 20000Hz.
The President’s security advisors reminded him that this technology had been invented by KGB in the 70’s.
Given technology reduces the intellectual abilities of a person, making him stupid due to the fact that a part of his brain is occupied with processing the outside irritants – the weak sounds of 20 and 20000Hz frequency.

This technology can be easily demonstrated on the personal computers: when we start many tasks at once, we reduce the speed of calculations because the processor and the memory have limited conducting capacity.
By decreasing rationality of people and their ability of self-analysis, the offered technology makes the advertisement in the mass media more effective.
“Fooling” the population and making it take sides now fully depends on the time spanduring which they broadcast the advantages of the candidates in the mass media. The negative information about the competitors now has more power over the voters than before. The only thing left is to introduce censorship in the mass media and not to let the truthful information in.
Due to the fact that the Kremlin controls the television, the most effective means of advertisement, two thirds of the population is hypnotized by the government.
The Kremlin’s representatives have taken under control all the Russian companies that sell noise-measuring devices to change their parameters so they would not be able to register the range of frequencies which is used by “the fooling devices”.
The Kremlin engineers, knowing they will not be caught, began to install generators of infra and ultra sounds on the mobile connection towers throughout the country.
All the main businesses in Russia are controlled by the Kremlin, including mobile phone connection operators. The government has found a simple resolution in terms of installing and protecting “the fooling device”.

Another reason why the installation on towers is convenient is because it will be possible to blame the mobile connection stations for exterior noises, in case someone measures the sound range and finds that the accepted norms are exceeded.

The people in the country are becoming more stupid, the grades of pupils in schools are dropping but the main concern for the President is his growing rating.
In bigger cities where the people are more educated and rich, the Kremlin “scientists” did not dare to install “the fooling devices”.
While in regions many residents cannot afford to buy a 10000-15000 euro device, in Moscow and in St. Petersburg more people can protect themselves and their relatives.

The ending of the movie is already known. The population has voted, 64% of votes were given to the men who were seen on TV screens more often, including the actors, the sportsmen and the TV anchors.

The difference in the election’s results and my measurements prove the possibility of existence of my hypothesis.

March 2012

The idea for the scenario of a fantasy called "Berserker"

The Saga of Fred Saberhagen "Berserker" was not screened anywhere. It's obvious that it won't be a cheap movie because it needs plenty of digital technology based graphic scenes. Due to the originality of the idea there is a chance for this movie to become a bestseller.

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