Jokes on bis: Sayings, verses, metaphors, maxims and aphorisms, from Russia

 

Jokes on bis

Sayings and aforisms

We are not facing deprivation of the Evil
Because it is all around us in abundance.
But we cannot let the Good disappear
From this fragile world.

A life is a bookshelf of satire and drama,
They have the pasquinades and dithyrambs.
The last are not worth one's attention,
They can be burnt without compassion.

A life is clay without the God,
It can be trampled down as dust.
And only hope maintains the flame
That gives the firmness to the bricks.

To ask low people for something is worse than rejecting close people.

God can't find good hands for Russia
This is the reason He gives it to any.

Dive into the slough by taking credit,
And bare the yoke or you'll be beaten.

A hardworking man writes a prose,
A talented man gives birth to a verse,
A lazy man is only good for a doggerel.

Few can understand, and even fewer who will speak.

If you did not understand a joke, then, probably, it is not a joke.

There is nothing worse than a typhus Mary inside of the trojan horse.

FSB prevented the attempt to murder A. Chyubise:
A group of pedofiles tried to take vengeance on Anatoliy for millions of Russian children whom he "deprived" of happiness.

Those people who discuss intellect more often, usually don't have one.

They have a unique method of fighting with brain drain in Russia - they try to muddle a brain, making it look like a dough.

The powerful group does not exist anymore, but there a lot of "dirty" ones.

One has more convolutions given that one's life has more twists on its way.

It's very bad to chase your debtors but it is even worse to run away from your creditors.

If modern inventors want to be recognized, it's necessary to create at least a time machine or an anti-age medicine.

We have more friends when we less ask them for help.

The same reason makes it an honour for an American to serve his country and a dishonour for a Russian to serve his.

The Orthodox church does not sell indulgences, even the governors have to go to Vatican to receive them from the Pope.

A solid character is good because it saturates life with events.

The Russians need solid character not only to succeed but, mostly, not to get stressed by someone's crime in case they are unfortunate to get the police interested in themselves.

Happiness in an unhappy country is the destiny of the crazy and the scoundrels.

The fact that Egyptians were set free gives us a hint that the Russians have to wait for their turn for 19 years.

If you give power to a man that chases spies, then everybody who doesn't agree with him will be on the list of State's enemies.

Where there is Messiah - there is Judas.

The Creator gave us instincts for survival but he limited our progress because of them.

The person will probably get rid of the instincts when he learns to concentrate his mind and consciousness on other objects and mechanisms.

Obsession with the idea can be cured only by its realization.

Only the intellect let's us resist our instincts.

Philanthropy is not more useful than altruism if it's not selective.

Critics is appropriate at the time when its object interferes with other's lives or teaches them stupid things.

Without fundamental knowledge one's ability to find unique solutions is ineffective.

It is sad when destiny brings the innocent to the court.

Any road sooner or later comes to a dead end.

From the very ancient times a man collects knowledges, mainly to give himself an answer to the question - who am I?

In the field of suspicion a persecution mania might sprout.

Creativity is the best cure of loneliness.

For a spy to unmask himself is the best PR move.

There are more friends when we less appeal to them.

The local authorities degrade because they tap too many silly phone conversations.

It is funny when a young "gundog" pretends to be a Sherlock Holmes.

Due to the lack of people the werewolves with shoulder stripes are fought against by the vampires with shoulder stripes.

Impudence is a boldness without brains.

"It is clean not where they clean or don't litter but where nobody sets one's foot at all".

The salary must not be less than the amount of one's complexes.

If one does not return you borrowed money, it is most likely that he does not want to interrupt communication with you.

A bad healer is a good killer.

The Russian honey-cake got stale. Now it is used as brass-knuckles and is more painful than a whip...

Pulling the wool over the eyes of Russians became a "nationwide policy" of the state.

In comparison with the Romans, the Russians ask their government not for performances. But even given to them bones are taken away by the "gundogs".

Not knowing the languages makes the censorship more effective.

Only dogs in Russia get the bones.

Majority of Russians save the chestnuts from fire and - not for themselves.

God loves Russia as his own son, that's why he tortures it.

Swine lives to be eaten not to cast pearls before it.

Ideas, a country, a motherland, a duty are not a nonsence only when they are separated by the rulers as well.

The farther you live from your relatives, the closer relations with them you have.

They escape from Russia in order not to become infected, there are a lot of diseases here. Lawlessness, corruption, drug addiction and alcoholism - this is a partial list of the diseases.

The nation that allows scoundrels to get to the power is destined to die out.

The nation that has the guarantor of the Constitution as a main source of violation is destined to die out.

If the governors are unicellular creatures, then the nation will decompose too.

The governors of Russia block up for Diogeneses not only the sun but the oxygen too.

Do not take off your shoes if you know your socks have holes.

Nothing can turn a brain into fat better than hamburgers.

The crisis is good because it identifies lucrative friends.

A crisis is an attempt of Uncle Sam to climb our Motherland.

The greatest spy is the one who invested the money of Russia into the economy of the USA.

The modern spies don't have to master the art of secrecy, now it is more important that they could sing patriotic songs in a chorus.

It is dangerous to be a cake when there are rats around.

Nagging people should be sent as a fodder to their congeners - fish.

When I am drunk, my friend goes through my pocket.

Only a full person is capable of having a sincere friendship.

It is terrible when a log in the eye roots into the brain.

It's not frightening to press breaks in old age, it is worse not to reach the full speed before it comes.

Even a robot eventually will ask itself: "Where do I have a button?"

In front of the cameras even a sheep can turn into a donkey.

"I am tired of thinking" - said the biggest boxer after the fight.

When the boys from the neighbourhood were looking at the images in the kaleidoscope, I also tried to find something beautiful in my fathers thermos.

Beauty will drive my...

It's bad not to be understood, it's even worse not to understand.

A man will stop praying with his eyes turned to the stars and extending his arms towards them only when he gives a look from the top down at the native people of other planets.

The value of the information is in its correctness.

Only a botcher does not disdain plagiarism.

It's better to convince somebody to refuse than to say no oneself.

Only self-confidence can give you hopes for success.

An actor on the stage should know that God sees him through the eyes of his audience.

In real life, in comparison with the theatre, it is more difficult to reject a part.

People are different because lives of ones consist of losses, lives of others have all acquisitions.

It is sad when the destiny brings to the court innocent people.

There should be no more pride in a person than values.

The actions are the mirror of one's soul.

The destination of a man is in identifying his soul through his deeds.

The children do not always follow the steps of their parents, sometimes they walk on their heads.

Not to become a feeding-rack for evil, the good should have fists.

Nothing cures a soul as the success does.

I want to work in gas industry,
To study in MSU,
To drive a "Phantom"
And not to die as Moo-Moo.

One cannot walk to happiness so easily.

Anti-Semitists were not Jews, but anti-Semitism goes away when common sense comes.

A success is an opportunity to manoeuvre.

The poor need little to be happy, the rich need even less.

The exams are the analyses of one's intellect.

The ability to see does not imply that you can actually see.

A smart man is not the one who sees the flaws but the one who knows how to get rid of them.

An educated person might not be smart but definitely cannot be stupid.

A man's kindness is a proof of his intellect, together with his decency it is the evidence of his education.

You want to help - don't interfere.

You want to see help - give a hand yourself.

An ungrateful person does not deserve care of others.

It is unfortunate to mistake a comrade for a friend.

It is not desirable to be a leader without reliable friends.

There are no leaders without reliable friends.

If you are not criticized by your friends, it means they are either bootlickers or foolish.

A good enemy is the one who you cannot talk bad about anymore.

The one who is not afraid of death is either acquainted with God or does not value his life.

A man is really brave when he doesn't have a fear of Doomsday.

Very often we do not pay attention to the details which are so important to others.

It is more significant to hear a person once than to see him a hundred times.

A book is interesting only if it was written by a man who is smarter and more talented than a reader.

The main thing is to train your mind.

Life sometimes can be so hard that not only it won’t let you fly but it even won’t let you get up from your knees.

When we realize all the power of the evil, it gives us strength to fight against it.

Life is the transformation of energies.

Life is easier when your wallet is heavy.

The only reason why Moscow is so good is because it makes one smarter rapidly.

Things that don’t kill us - break us and definitely do not make us stronger.

Without mental there is no fundamental.

Sometimes half of a word contains more meaning than a whole sentence.

A guilty head is not cut by a sword but chopped by an axe.

It is more likely to resolve problems of the Russians by sending their complaints to God than to the government.

The talent of the Russians to live in poverty is being cultivated by their government from the very childhood.

Freedom to choose a hobby makes a person happy.

With the time a sponge brain turns into a brick.

Principles complicate our lives but they make us human.

Life is meaningless if you cannot help anyone and unbearable if you cannot help even yourself.

A clever person always has something to say.

Those who want to be heard by God hear Him themselves.

The government has thrown a lot of rocks into our yards, so it is time to return them.

One third of Russians are scoundrels and villains. If they don’t change, all the reforms are doomed.

Nationalism in Russia cannot be wiped out because the social elevators are too small.

God feels happy for fortunate people and sad for the unfortunate ones

Doubts are often caused by stupidity – a simple lack of knowledge.

The main goal of any parent is to learn what their children teach them.

Nothing makes life as bright as creativity.

It is easy to make others happier than yourself.

Hope is expectation of wonder.

One’s principles must be as strong as steel.

Love can only bring joy when it is mutual.

There is a gentleman sleeping within every man – you only need certain circumstances to awaken him.

Intimate dates with married men can turn any decent woman into a whore.

Certain people have a mission on Earth: it is to destroy stereotypes.

Communication and even arguments with bad people do spoil us.

If you want to go crazy –fall in love with a prostitute.

Every resolved problem makes you stronger.

To interest others, you have to be unpredictable.

Fools make mistakes every step of the way; smart people – once a day, and only the wise slip less than once a month.

The Russian cars break down because they are made of shit, for all the metal has been used to make tanks and missiles.

Not where – with whom.

It is necessary to wish happiness to everybody, to oneself in particular.

You lose if you choose your work over freedom.

Absence of looting in the times of natural disasters shows how educated that nation is.

If it was not for censorship, Luc Besson would force his actresses to run around naked with guns.

The reforms in Russia are implemented not for the purpose of sharing with people but to show them the “middle finger”.

It is bad luck to celebrate upcoming year of the Snake surrounded by ones.

The middle age crisis is cured sooner when you have a young wife.

We will pay for our sins; unfortunately, not everyone will witness it in this life like Brute did.

God loves all the people; He even helps some of them.

A man should leave after his death not just a genetic pool but also a scientific and a cultural heritage.

Among all the masks that come on the Russian TV Medvedev’s one is seen more often.

God builds our destiny with our own hands.

The value of a person is measured by the amount of his good deeds.

Religion is the most significant invention.

Any chemical reaction can be accelerated; the main thing is to find a proper catalyst.

A wise dervish is better than a fool with a social status.

Strangers are sent to us by God.

From now on the Russian Corporation of Nanotechnology will be testing its management with bark beetles up to their waist.

For today’s Russian government words “patriot” and “spy” are synonyms.

Killing patriotism in your own people is the cruelest of all crimes.

Spitting into our wells was not enough: the government has thrown rocks into our gardens. It is time to pick them up.

A stupid commercial slogan for synthetic children’s food of the future: - When you are breastfeeding a newborn, you are depriving him of making a choice. He might not want to have lactose!

A man is mostly silly by nature: he is more concerned about the duration of his reproductive functions than about influence of remorse on the degree of guilt.

An enlightened Russian is the one who understands that there are enemies in the Kremlin.

For a successful future development the humanity must learn how to take advantage of any natural energy such as wind, tides and waves.

One has to strive for being a useful piece on God’s chess-board.

Even a smart thought that’s not expressed completely may sound like nonsense.

Is Russia a third world country or an imitation of an empire? No, it is an empire of absurd because former jail wardens frequently become leaders of civil rights movements.

From now on fasting will be more rigorous because we were given the Olympics instead of bread.

Housing question in Russia will be definitely resolved when the population reduces to the number of available apartments.

Special units used at the Olympics will come in handy for transporting plenty of seized objects after Kiev hands the relay race to Moscow.

The spokes could be useful in punishing those who has put them in the wheels.

Freeing of Ukraine means that Russians will not have to wait much longer.

Without nationalization Maidan has no sense.

Nationalization is the only thing in Ukraine that would make the Crimeans regret their annexation to Russia.

Janukovich’s promise to nationalize Ukraine will not convince Ukrainians into voting for him.

Beat-up people are not the greatest defenders of democracy.

Plebiscite in Russia is the plebeians’ deceit.

Becoming a laureate of Gaidar’s award is almost like getting an honor from CIA.

Apparition of Homo sapiens with animalistic behavior was caused by a population increase. There are not enough human souls for all those bodies. Animal nature in people is in abundance due to Fauna’s reduction.

You can evaluate another person’s intellect only if you are not dumb yourself.

Slave-like obedience of Russians has always provoked its government for profiteering.

If you want to live worry-free,
Sing praises to the government.

Rulers of Russia:
Their appeals
May urge even Holy Mary to vomit.

The value of an idea is measured by the number of lives ready to be willingly sacrificed in the name of that idea.

Wild adolescence doesn’t leave you at peace even at the old age.

The most part of the new businessmen have opened their businesses out of despair.

The USSR fight against its enemies in the past was as successful as nowadays Russia’s rejection of friendships.

Don’t have fear of Danaans hiding in the Horse, But fear the “Na Na” type of people sleeping in Duma.

A truly religious person is the one who accepts everything that is happening to him as a gift sent to him by God.

We are wishing ourselves happiness,
But, at the same time, we are afraid
To draw trouble upon us
And mistake the good for the evil.

God cannot destroy the enemies of the religious people because he was not the one who has created those enemies. We, God’s children, could only defeat Devil’s servants ourselves, and only in an honest fight.

Lermontov was depicting human sins very briefly, as was his life.

In the USA Ku Klux Klan members exchanged their hoods for police service caps.

Nowadays one can only monetize kisses of Euterpe because all other talents are not in demand.

We, the patriots,
Will not witness happiness
While Medvedevs rule the country.

Lenin and Stalin were merciless, especially to themselves.

In case of a fiasco women can refer to it as a moment of weakness, men have nothing to refer it to.

With stupid people you can only talk about money.

A politician in Russia should be afraid neither of dying for expressing his beliefs, nor of going to jail for it.

The superstition in today’s Russia: the cheaper the wedding, the sooner the divorce.

The leader of Russia
Uses the stick more now
That the carrot has been digested
In the stomach of “the dwarf”.

Life is a game. Smart people can manage to correct the rules of this game throughout their lives. And only geniuses make changes that will last for ages.

Today’s Russians differ from the Germans of the 1930-s in one thing: they burn the books not at the public squares but in the bourgeois furnaces to keep themselves warm.

The Kremlin has its people everywhere,
Even in the opposition.
So the patriots now
Will have to bend over…

They caught a live Iguanodon in Moldova. He was taught not only to drink wine, but play chess too.

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